How Not to Be Raging Mad at Your Host Culture, Part 2

An expat friend of mine, Marilyn (not her real name), was out late at night in an unnamed Middle Eastern country, walking alone to her apartment where her family waited for her. Since it was already dark and they didn’t live in the nicest part of the city (funds were tight), she was a bit worried about getting mugged (or worse!) as a foreign woman. So she grabbed her headscarf and completely wrapped her head with it so that others wouldn’t know she was a foreigner. She walked home, hoping that, covered in this way, she would stand out less as a foreigner and thus be less of a target for a mugging.

What transpired next, Marilyn described as one of the most terrifying evenings of her life. As she walked towards her home, the men on the street made catcalls, sexual gestures, shamelessly and endlessly stared at her body, explicitly talked about how she turned them on, and offered gifts if she would sleep with them. What made it even more unnerving was that some of those propositioning her were her friends! Not wanting to be taken advantage of or appear as an “easy target”, she tried to appear as tall as she could and walked confidently, but quickly. Thankfully, no one touched her and no one followed her, but by the time she reached home, she was terrified and traumatized by the gauntlet of sexual harassment she had just endured. She mentally planned to move because, apparently, her neighbors were all sexual perverts. Despite all evidence pointing to that conclusion, she eventually realized that her conclusion was entirely wrong.

Perhaps your experience as an expat isn’t that horrifying, but you’ve certainly endured frustration and confusion. How can you avoid–and understand–harrowing experiences like my friend? How can you respond to cultural challenges and terrifying experiences with humility and learning, instead of rage?

Welcome to part 2 of the series with the tongue-in-cheek name “how not to be raging mad at your host culture.” In part 1 I discussed cultural norms, cultural values, their relationship, and four implications that have for expat life. In part 2, we’re going to discuss the four-part process you can use to understand and process a cultural difference, regardless of where you are in the world or what that difference is. This article, part 2, assumes that you’ve read part 1, so you’ll want to go back and read part 1 if you haven’t already.

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Summary of Part 1

Since I know not everyone has read part 1 (or will go back to read it–I’m human too), here’s the briefest summary so you’re not lost in part 2.

Cultural norm: something that a lot of people typically do (or don’t do) in a culture
Cultural value: something a culture believes to be intrinsically valuable or desirable
The relationship of norms and values: Values always influence norms and norms always reflect values. Norms are what people do, values are why they do it
Implications:

1. We must embrace and emulate as many norms as we can, especially the ones that are unimportant or “don’t matter.” The more you do, the less frustrated you’ll be.
2. We must avoid reflexively judging our host culture’s norms by our home culture’s values. That’s a recipe for misunderstanding and frustration.
3. We must understand and respect a culture’s values if we ever are to make peace with its norms. Frustration comes mostly from what a norm means—the value it reflects—not so much from the actions by themselves.
4. We must humbly recognize that judging another culture’s values takes an immense amount of careful thought. Few expats take the time to carefully compare values philosophically and ethically, they just jump to judgment.

What part 2 is about: how

The above implications are what to do, but part 1 didn’t detail how you can do these things as an expat. How can you understand a culture’s values and not just react against their norms? How can you avoid judging others’ norms by your values? How can you embrace norms and values different from yours? How can you critically evaluate the appropriateness of other values and norms while remaining humble? These are critical questions; it’s not enough to know what to do, if you don’t know how to do it, then you’re at risk of developing Raging Expat Syndrome.1

Today I’ll share a four-part process that I’ve developed and used; I trust it will help you understand, empathize, and respond to cultural differences with humility and grace rather than rage. The steps are: (1) Carefully observe (2) Avoid judgment (3) Learn humbly (4) Manage your reaction

You can remember it as: C-A-L-M—your goal as an expat, rather than rage.

Step 1: Carefully observe and describe

It might seem like a patently obvious that to understanding a difference you first have to notice it, but step one is something deeper than what most expats think. To understand this step, we have to dig a bit into how the brain influences what you observe and, more importantly, what you don’t observe.

The problem: your brain is brilliant

To mentally understand this, imagine if there’s some crazy apocalyptic scenario and you had to flee into a jungle to survive. You don’t know what’s normal, you don’t know what plants are edible or which ones will kill you, you don’t know what animals will poison you and which you can eat, you don’t know what animals will attack you and which are docile. When every plant is potentially a danger, every animal is a hypothetical threat, and every sound is a possible warning, your body will become hyper alert and stressed, ready to respond to everything as a life-threatening emergency. To stay sane and to stay alive, you must quickly find a way to filter out the flood of input your body is receiving so that you react to things that are truly a threat and ignore everything that’s not.

Our brains are incredible at doing just this: figuring out a baseline of what is normal and learning to ignore it so that we have the capacity to notice and respond to actual threats. The result is that our brains actually ignore the vast majority of what they sense because your brain has learned that those sights, sounds, smells, touches, and tastes are “normal” and not a threat.

Even though you probably didn’t grow up in a jungle, your brain learned what was normal in your home culture and, key, it learned to ignore those things as normal to focus on what it learned was abnormal. You might not notice the well-paved road, but you’ll spot the pothole; you might ignore the typical scent of air, but you’ll pick up on the smell of feces; you might overlook ambient bird noises, but a child’s scream will grab your attention. Your brain is working as it’s designed to work, filtering out the flood of unimportant “normal” sensory input so that you can respond to the abnormal input.

Life in a modern jungle

Here’s the problem: your brain has learned normal and abnormal in your home culture and now you live in a different culture where everything is different. What was normal (and safe) in your home culture might appear abnormal (and threatening!) in your host culture; conversely, what was once abnormal (and a threat) in your home culture might now be seen as normal (and thus not a threat)! You literally have to rewire your brain, and that starts by carefully observing what is around you, including what your brain has learned to ignore.

So you have to slow down and carefully notice everything around you, including what you would ignore as “normal” in your host culture, because your brain’s sense of “normal” is no longer valid in your host culture. So, when faced with a cultural difference that frustrates you, take a moment to meticulously observe all aspects of it, including those you might be tempted to dismiss as inconsequential. They may be the critical factors, in your host culture, to understand what is going on!

Tips for observing culture

Here are a few suggested things to observe, although this list only covers some possibilities:

• The people involved:
  • Who was there? What was their age? Gender? Ethnicity/race? Economic status? Social class? Religion? Were these the same across all participants or were they different? If so, different by how much?
  • What did they say? With what tone of voice? What was connotated or implied?
  • What were their nonverbals? What was their facial reactions? What did their hands do? What did their feet do? What did they do with their bodies?
  • What were they wearing (or not wearing)? What colors were their coverings? Of what material? How much of their body did it cover?
  • Did they have tattoos? Piercings? Makeup? Paintings?
• The immediate context:
  • Where are you located? Was this in private or in public? What non-participants were present (and who wasn’t present)?
  • What area of city/town/village? Isolated or dense?
  • How many people were nearby? And describe those bystanders by all the things listed above.
  • What happened prior to this? 5 seconds before? 5 minutes before? One hour before?
• The broader context:
  • Which day of the week? What time of day? What day of the year? Was it a holiday or other special day?
  • What was the weather like? What season was it?
  • What local and national events were going on? What’s the national mood like? What’s the economy like?
• Lots and lots more^[2]

The point is that you can’t discern which details matter and which ones don’t—your brain has been conditioned by your home culture to notice specific things and overlook others. Until you’ve retrained your brain to observe the right things in your host culture, you have to carefully observe everything because you don’t know what actually mattered.

Keep in mind that your goal is to carefully observe and describe what objectively occurred, focusing on what happened rather than your (culturally influenced) interpretation of event. For instance, Marilyn noted that the men around her stared at her body and made comments about it—that’s an accurate, objective account of the events.^[3] However, despite its difficulty, she would attempt to refrain from characterizing the men’s actions as sexual harassment, even if it would qualify as harassment in her home culture—there may be additional factors at play that changes the interpretation. Until she knows more, she would want to avoid interpreting the events and stick to objective and descriptive statements of what happened. As hard as it can be, try to stay factual at this step and save the interpretation and judgment for later (it will come!)

Step 2: Avoid judgment…for now

After carefully observing what happened and describing it in objective language, the key is to deliberately refrain from passing judgment… at least for the time being. This task might prove challenging, particularly in situations as distressing as what my friend encountered, yet it’s pivotal for gaining comprehension.

Unfortunately, it’s really easy to react to different cultural norms with a knee-jerk reaction of judgment that is rarely accurate. I know an American businessman who traveled to Japan to aid his company in training their client’s employees. All was proceeding smoothly until the lunch break, when, having visited the restroom, he arrived at the meal after others had sat down to eat.

The man observed something that was unusual (following step 1, good!): his company’s salesmen were congregated at one table with their client’s managers while all of the client’s employees were seated at a separate table. Despite making this observation, he didn’t abstain from forming a judgment but instead concluded that his salesmen were exhibiting snobbish behavior. In an attempt to foster a positive rapport, he chose to sit at the table with the client’s employees. He immediately realized it was a significant misstep, as an awkward silence filled the room and everyone became awkward. A more prudent approach for him would have been to refrain from judging his colleagues as ‘snobbish’, sit with them, and seek to learn why there was such a separation between managers and staff.

In Marilyn’s case, her initial response was to perceive all the men on her street as sexual deviants, prompting her desire to relocate—an entirely understandable reaction. However, she was aware of her recent arrival in the city and the unfamiliarity with its culture, acknowledging there was a lot she had yet to comprehend. Instead, she made a conscious effort to withhold judgment until she could undertake the process I’m describing. I’ll share the insight she gained through it.

Encounter behavior that appears uncultured, impolite, foolish, harassing, awkward, unpleasant, joyous, or exciting? Avoid judgment…for now. Refrain from reacting, as your understanding might not be comprehensive enough for accurate judgment

Step 3: Learn humbly

Remember that your brain is trained to notice and interpret things according to the norms and values of your home culture. Seeking guidance from individuals within your host culture is essential to grasp cultural differences through the lens of local norms and values. Cultural anthropologists term these people “cultural informers” and, despite the connotation of someone informing authorities, it’s aptly communicates that cultural outsiders need someone on the cultural inside to help them understand and interpret unfamiliar culture events.

For Marilyn, the following day she invited her best local friend to her house and described what happened, being careful to stay factual and not judgmental. Her friend laughed. Marilyn was initially shocked by her friend’s reaction, but then her friend explained what had actually happened that night.

Marilyn had wrapped her head up completely so that no one could see her face or notice her white skin; unbeknownst to Marilyn, her attire now mirrored that of local prostitutes actively seeking clientele. Additionally, her gait—erect and brisk—coincided precisely with the style of prostitutes: upright (a laudable attribute in that culture) and swift (to avoid police attention). To the men on the street, Marilyn wasn’t recognized as their neighbor but rather as an unidentified individual who resembled a prostitute who was soliciting clientele.

Consequently, the men reacted to what they perceived, and what they perceived was dramatically not what Marilyn thought was happening. In that society, if a man intended to engage a prostitute’s services, the customary practice was to ‘honor’ her with compliments on her appearance, sexual stares, and solicitations to bed. The men’s behavior was the expected behavior of a man responding to a prostitute’s solicitation; if Marilyn had genuinely been a prostitute, the men’s conduct would have been entirely ‘normal’ and even desirable to the prostitute, as it meant she would have clientele. It wasn’t merely that the men’s actions weren’t intended as harassment but also that a prostitute wouldn’t interpret those actions as harassment.^[4] Gradually recognizing the irony in how closely she resembled a prostitute, Marilyn, although still appalled, managed to better understand what had happened.

That doesn’t mean what Marilyn experienced wasn’t personally troubling to her or was admirable, but learning what actually happened to her reframed the experience and helper her understand. It’s one thing if someone catcalls a passerby; it’s another thing if that catcall happens in a strip club. You may consider either action wrong, of course, but it is different. Carefully observing, avoiding judgment, and learning humbly will help you see that difference.

Tips for learning from an insider

As you talk with your cultural insider, consider these tips to make your interaction more fruitful.

• Provide an objective and factual description of the event; abstain from interpreting or providing personal explanations.
• Say ‘Help me understand what happened?’ instead of ‘Why?’ The former conveys humility and is easier to answer, whereas many times individuals don’t know the “why” behind a norm.^[5]
• Seek input from multiple individuals. Comprehensive knowledge of one’s culture is rare; therefore, gathering various perspectives on the same event is valuable. Particularly in honor/shame or face-saving cultures, where admitting lack of knowledge may induce shame, individuals might fabricate information to avoid losing face. Hence, gathering diverse opinions is crucial.
• Rather than inquiring ‘How would you do (the activity)?,’ ask ‘How do most people do (the thing)?’ This is subtle, but it facilitates more candid responses, particularly from individuals concerned about preserving face. This is even more crucial when discussing matters considered sensitive or private.
• Read about your host culture. While the perspective of locals holds more weight than that of foreigners, works by ethnologists and anthropologists offer extensive insights into diverse cultures worldwide. The Culture Shock! series, though basic, is a good place to start.
• I recommend Foreign to Familiar by Sarah Lanier to those encountering cultural differences. It provides a concise, humorous, and informative overview of global cultures, albeit with some necessary generalizations due to its brevity. It’s a great starting point for learning.
• If you want to go deeper, I highly recommend The Ethnographic Interview by James Spradley as a valuable resource. It will teach you how to learn about a culture as an outsider so that you truly understand it.

Step 4: Manage your judgment and response

Usually expats move from observing (inaccurately) to reacting, without any pause in between. The goal of steps 2–3 isn’t to avoid reacting or responding altogether; rather, it’s to ensure that your response is informed and appropriate to the actual situation. How, then, do you effectively manage your response to the cultural differences you encountered, now that you understand them?

Allow me to suggest that your goal should be to embrace your host culture as much as possible without violating your conscience. Of course, you may hold a different opinion—some expatriates consciously maintain their home culture and decline to assimilate into local customs—but my personal goal, and what I suggest to you, is to embrace local culture as much as possible. In my experience, adopting local culture not only reduces frustration but enriches one’s life by giving multiple ways to act and behave. Learning about other cultures demands humility (a good enough reason to learn in itself!), but a default attitude of embracing differences will enrich your life more than a default of rejecting them.

Nevertheless, there are aspects of culture that one must reject. No culture is perfect–morally or pragmatically–and therefore, no culture should be entirely embraced, even one’s home culture! You’ll need to judge wisely so you can embrace what is good or at least neutral while rejecting what is less than ideal.

Tips about judging other cultures

How, then, do you judge a culture? This question is critically important, as historical errors in answering it have sparked wars and resulted in the devastation of entire cultures. It merits more than just a single post; rather, it deserves extensive discussions in multiple books among ethicists, philosophers, anthropologists, and moral thinkers. Suffice it to say, I won’t attempt an answer here, but I do have a few suggestions:

1. Be humble. Fewer cultural differences are matters of right/wrong than your gut might tell you. A great book on humility that I was helped by last year is Humilitas.
2. Find locals who share your same values and embrace their assessment. For example, if you’re religious, ask a local person of the same religion how they see the difference. That will help you assess whether it’s your religion or your home culture that makes something feel wrong or right.
3. Judge local norms by local values. If you’re upset at someone who drives the wrong way on the road and everyone else is upset at that person too, then you don’t need to be frustrated at the culture–the problem isn’t the culture, it’s someone who isn’t following the cultural norms! You can judge cultural norms by the values upheld in the culture itself.
4. Be courageous. There is such a thing as right and wrong in the world, and locals may have gotten it wrong—and even locals who share your values may have gotten it wrong! Foot-binding, widow burning, and child sacrifices were stopped in large measure because expats had the courage to stand up for what was right. Regrettably, since most expats don’t believe in an objective moral law or lawgiver, they lack the consistent basis to condemn what they actually believe is wrong.

Conclusion

There you have it: C-A-L-M. Carefully Observe (because your brain is trained not to), Avoid Judgment (because you don’t yet know enough), Learn Humbly (because you’re an outsider), and Manage Your Reaction (because a response is needed, but it must be right). I hope this process helps you, as it has helped me, to stay calm and avoid Raging Expat Syndrome.

This subject is far from exhausted because sometimes, even after you’ve done CALM, you still face challenges. Sometimes Managing Your Reaction is difficult due to the ethical quandaries cross-cultural living presents. I aim in the weeks ahead to provide some more tools by which you can better respond to your local culture–including the critical skill of practicing gratitude. Stay tuned for more–and get a chapter of my book completely free while you’re at it!

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Footnotes

1. ↩ Ok, so Raging Expat Syndrome isn’t actually a syndrome—at least one not officially recognized by psychologists—but you’ve probably seen it in expats. It’s when expats get so constantly frustrated by the culture they’re in that they live with this low-level resentment towards the broader culture, resentment that often blows up in rage at locals for acting in ways that are completely normal in the broader culture.
2. ↩ A great book that helps flesh out the kinds of questions that influence a culture’s assessment of the world—and helps you know how to learn about that culture—is The Ethnographic Interview by James Spradley. It’s a fantastic resource for anyone who wants to know how to learn about a culture.
3. ↩ Ideally you would use the categories that your host culture uses to describe what’s going on. They may not notice the economic class of who is involved, but they may put great importance on how many necklaces the people involved are wearing. This creates a bit of a paradox because you can’t understand what’s happening through the eyes of the culture until you learn the culture, yet you can’t learn the culture without understanding what’s happening. That’s why it’s critical to pay attention to absolutely everything, because you don’t know what details matter and what doesn’t. A great book on this topic of learning to uncover what is important to a culture is The Ethnographic Interview by James Spradley.
4. ↩ Note that you may still call this sexual harassment—in fact, I would say that even an adult woman who freely chooses to be a prostitute is experiencing sexual harassment—but it is radically different than what Marilyn thought she was experiencing: unwanted & unsolicited sexual interaction from he neighbors. Understanding what really is happening doesn’t make the men’s actions morally acceptable, but understanding them according to that culture’s norms is critical to making a right judgment about what transpired.
5. ↩ For example, in the US the lines dividing traffic in the middle of the road are yellow and the lines on the side of the road are white. Why? Why not the opposite? I have no idea.