Culture has always maintained an Open Door policy. There is only one condition for entry: the humility to learn.
Sun Ke, 1935.
While much of what I write on The Prepared Expat consists of practical tips on logistical parts of expat life, like carrying a language notebook, tips for flying with young children, or ways to obtain lots of cash in an emergency, today’s article is a bit less logistical. Rather than focus on the skills you need to know or the items you have to survive and thrive as an expat, today’s focus is on who you need to be. The longer I’m overseas and the more expats I meet, the more I realize that who you are makes a far bigger difference to your surviving and thriving than what you know or what you own. If you are the right person, then you’ll learn or acquire what you need to survive and thrive, but if who you are is unhelpful, then it doesn’t matter what you know or possess.
I think we know this intuitively and from our experience. We’ve all had a relative whose home was nicer than ours or who had more gadgets than us, but whose life is a wreck because of poor choices he doesn’t own up to. We’ve all worked with a colleague who was brilliant and knowledgeable, but who drove us nuts because of her arrogance. Our life in our host culture is no different: if you are the sort of person your host culture considers honorable and good, then you will be able to survive and thrive. If, though, you are irritating, arrogant, or straight-up dishonorable to your host culture, then your ability to thrive or survive will be greatly curtailed.
Perhaps the most important character trait that you can develop for your ability to thrive and survive as an expat is humility. Today I’m going to share some thoughts on why, as well as some ideas for how to grow in humility.
A quick disclaimer
Much of what I write for The Prepared Expat comes from my own “proven” experience. I usually write about things which I’ve figured out, sometimes through trial and error, and then share with you so that you can avoid the pain. In this case, though, I definitely am not writing from a place of having “figured out” humility. If anything, I’m writing this piece because I know how much pride I carry in myself and am acutely aware of how much I need to grow in humility. I write this more for myself than for you, but I hope it’s likewise helpful for you in your expat journey as well.
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Why expats must learn to be humble
When you live in a culture that is foreign to you, you don’t enter into the culture as a knowledgeable adult who understands how to “get things done” in that culture. Even when your host culture speaks the same language as you and you don’t need to learn a language, the methods of showing honor, of disagreeing, of being polite, of paying parking tickets, of traveling, of paying, of greeting others—it’s all different. In fact, in that culture’s eyes, your cultural behavior is more like that of a child than an adult. They’re aware of all the things you do that are inappropriate, wrong to them, awkward, or just plain weird—and yet you don’t know enough about a culture to even be aware that you’re doing anything different than them!
A great example of this I still vividly recall. I once watched a movie with friends and, when it was done, I hadn’t finished my fountain drink. I needed to use the restroom, so I carried the drink into the restroom, did my business, and walked out to some of the most shocked faces I’ve ever seen in my life. My friends were astonished that I had taken a drink into the bathroom. They didn’t see me as doing something “wrong”, but it was simply incomprehensible to them how I could have done such an “unsanitary” thing. I asked them what they would have done and they said give the drink to someone staying outside the restroom who would hold all the foodstuffs so that others could use the restroom. My point in this example is not to say that they were right or wrong. Rather, the point is that there are thousands of things like this which differ between cultures. As an expat, you don’t know these unwritten rules. Worse, you don’t even know what you don’t know about these unwritten rules.
Pride plus thousands of unwritten rules
So consider if you take an expat who is proud and plop them down in the middle of a culture with ten thousand unwritten rules. Will a proud person in this situation be able to learn and adapt to the local culture? Will a proud person be able to laugh at their mistakes, to learn how to honor local people, or make friends? Will such a person ever be able to make meaningful friendships with people who will be able to overlook the rest of his faux pas? Will such a person be able to experience the joys and delights that a unique culture offers? Will a proud person ever be able to love the culture or people among which he now lives? Such a person would be obnoxious, a person to be avoided by locals (and probably expats). Will such a person thrive in his host culture? Will he survive long as an expat?
Sadly, I think we know what would happen to such a person: this expat will make friends with other expats and live forever in an expat bubble. That probably wouldn’t bother this hypothetical person. After all, his pride probably blinds him to the isolation his attitude is creating for himself. But do you see the exceedingly high cost of that pride? Pride that prevents learning, pride that prevents friendships, pride that prevents exploration, pride that prevents love, delight, gratitude, and joy.
On the other hand, consider what a humble expat looks like: eager to ask questions and learn, willing to listen and be corrected, suspending judgment about norms and values while she learns, open to trying to new and different things, quick to laugh at her own mistakes and bumblings, willing to set aside her own preferences so that she can honor others, seeking out how she has unintentionally offended others, and grateful for the opportunity to be stretched and challenged. How could this expat not learn and adapt to local patterns so that she doesn’t cause offense? How can such a person not make deep and meaningful relationships in the culture? Such a person would be a delight to be around—and such a person would be able to grow and take joy in a culture different than hers, thriving and surviving a long time.
Of course, no one is as bad as the proud expat I described nor as good as the humble expat I depicted. We all exist somewhere on this spectrum of pride and humility, but I hope the above stark contrast helps you see just how critical humility is to an expat.
The benefits of humility to an expat
Oxford Learner’s Dictionary defines humility as “the quality of not thinking that you are better than other people.” Not thinking that you are better than other people. Would that we all acted in such a way, especially we expats when we encounter a cultural norm or value that differs from our own.
The composite sketches above include many benefits of humility to an expat’s life. I want to tease those benefits out explicitly so that you can observe how humility is crucial to so many aspects of an expat’s life. In doing so, I want you to see how good, right, and honorable humility really is. This is really the person that you want to be, deep down.
1. Humility makes you curious
Proud people think they know everything that they should know. Proud people are quick to judge things that are different as “wrong” or “stupid.” Humble people, though, know that they don’t know everything and they are curious to learn more, especially when someone is quite different than themselves. In fact, the bigger the difference between a humble person’s point of view and someone else’s, the more a humble person seeks to understand the difference. A proud person judges, a humble person asks “How does this make sense to him?”1
Why? Because humble people do not think they are better than others. If I am no better than others, then perhaps they are right and I am wrong. If I am no better than others, then I can and should learn from anyone, even children or marginalized people.
Curiosity is a foundational skill for an expat. You cannot learn to live in your host culture if you are not curious about it. You cannot learn to love your host culture if you deem it inferior to your home culture. If, though, you regard others as more important than yourself, then you’ll be able not only to learn about a foreign culture, but you’ll be able to see where the culture is superior than your own.
2. Humility enables you to listen
Whether in marriage or business negotiations, most people listen to others so that they can respond. Few people truly listen to understand others. When others are speaking, proud people prepare a point-by-point response to refute others’ perspectives. Humble people seek to understand not only the idea but also why others value their perspective. A proud person will never suspend judgment and do C-A-L-M, but a humble person reflexively believes that other people’s perspectives are just as valuable as one’s own.
If we are humble and believe others are no better than ourselves, then we will respect and honor others by truly listening to and understanding their opinions. This ability to listen and understand is crucial for an expat, because the differences we encounter have deep roots. You won’t learn a culture deeply by merely hearing facts about it—what to do and what not to do—you will only learn to understand a culture if you listen deeply to understand the the value beneath the norm often rooted in a culture’s history.
3. Humility allows growth
Pride that views itself as better than others has no place for being corrected by others. To a proud person, what one believes is obviously right and must be defended, if for no other reason than the fact that one believes it. This is part of why people will hold on to their own opinion in the face of overwhelming evidence that demonstrates it is wrong. A proud ego is fragile and must be defended at all costs. Learning and growth are impossible for proud people, as they see no need to change and accept no one’s instruction.
Humility, on the other hand, allows you to acknowledge that you don’t know something, seek out understanding from others, and even invite people to correct you. Humility lets you see that you’re imperfect and that your opinions are flawed, even as humility removes your ego so that you’re able to learn from anyone. All of these abilities are crucial for expats, who have an entire culture and ten thousand unwritten rules to learn. If you cannot grow, you can never fit in, but that growth requires humility.
4. Humility enables fine-tuning
Even as humility enables you to learn and grow, it also enables you to hold conclusions loosely. Pride reaches a conclusion and dogmatically holds to it. Humility reaches a conclusion and may even hold it as a conviction or belief, but humility is always open to correction and fine-tuning. After all, if I am not better than others, why should I think I’ve “arrived” in my conclusions and there’s no room for refinement?
Particularly as an expat, it’s crucial to be able to reach a conclusion but hold it loosely, always fine-tuning it as you learn more data. One person may tell you to do one thing, and another may tell you to do something else—both are trying to help, so how do those contradictory suggestions fit together? The deeper you learn a culture, the more fine-tuning will be required—and thus the more humility will be necessary.
5. Humility equips you to learn a language
Learning a language as an adult is an inherently humbling experience, especially for those who are well-educated in their native language. It’s challenging for someone with a 40,000-word vocabulary to move into a place where they have a 20-word vocabulary…unless that person is humble. Learning a language will always require effort, but it’s much easier if you regard your teacher as more important than yourself, if you regard your neighborhood kids as having equal value to you, if you are open to having a beggar on the street correct your pronunciation. Everything and everyone is a learning opportunity for a humble person, but a proud person will be challenged to even lower himself to a position where he will learn from others.
I don’t have to tell you how crucial a skill this is for expats. As an expat, you’re never really “done” learning a language. Humility enables you to be curious, to listen, to learn, and to fine-tune—those are all skills necessary for learning a language as well.
6. Humility produces resilience
Expat life is full of stressors and challenges. Pride will be irked at those and fight against them, adding to the stress than an expat feels. Pride will insist on being important, being in charge, or knowing what is going on around you, realities that are highly unusual for expats who have to learn to live in the vagueness of a foreign culture with all its unknowns. Pride will do things just the way it ways, justifying itself when challenged, and not adapting to local sensibilities, producing even more stress for an expat (and those around them).
Humility, on the other hand, allows you simply to “be” in your host culture. You don’t have to be in charge—in fact, you probably shouldn’t be, since you are no better—and possibly worse—than locals. You don’t have to be important—you’re probably not as important as local staff who can help your business. You don’t have to know what is going on—you can trust others around you to know and tell you what they consider important. Humility means that your ego doesn’t have to stand up, enabling you to just be. You can share your opinion and allow it to be shot down by others; you don’t have to fear being right or defending your view. You can accept changes to your schedule and adapt your life to other styles of living because, after all, others probably know better than you do.
All of these abilities breed resilience. Stubborn insistence on your own way creates stressors and makes it harder for you to live as an expat, adding unnecessary strain.2
7. Humility readies you to serve
Pride only “helps” others in order to make itself look good, but humility genuinely seeks to serve others. Proud people view others as means to accomplish their ends, an attitude that prevents truly heartfelt service. Humility, on the other hand, regards others as more important than itself and so naturally seeks to serve others.
A proud person may see wrongs in a host culture and seek to teach the “uncivilized” how things should be done. It’s service that puffs the proud person up, elevates the teacher, or which makes life more convenient for the one speaking, but it’s not service that truly seeks the good of others. A humble person, though, may see wrong or less-than-ideal elements of a culture and seek to change it, but with the goal of helping others, not proving themselves right. A humble person serves, teaching and helping others so that they may have a better life.
Expats often find themselves in a role of having “expertise”—people with knowledge, resources, or money to educate others, manage employees, or create jobs. If this is your role, though, humility is crucial, for locals will know when you are educating them from a position of superiority versus a position of humble service.
8. Humility enables relationships, even love
I recently read a story of an individual who was deeply struggling to make friends in her host culture. Unable to speak the local language yet, she was alone and depressed. She used Google to translate the phrase “I’m lonely, can I sit with you?”, printed it on a card, and proceeded to give it to ladies in her neighborhood. Those women joyfully welcomed her into their community, even though she could barely understand them, and were patient to help her feel loved and welcomed. Eventually, as her ability with the language grew, those ladies became her deep friends, their relationships flourished, and she felt truly loved by those in her neighborhood. But it all started with her being humble enough to admit her loneliness and ask for help, regardless of how it made her look.
We don’t like being friends with proud people; they fail to bring joy into our lives and instead often cause discomfort or tension. Oh, we may tolerate them because they are our boss, are rich, stand for a belief we cherish, or have something that we need, but we don’t treasure or delight in that person. People in your local culture are likely no different; they may tolerate being friends with that bombastic foreigner because it makes them look good, or you give them a job, but they don’t love you—and you don’t love them. Only humility enables a true, deep, meaningful relationship to exist in which love of a culture or its people can thrive.
9. Humility results in joy and gratitude
I’m convinced one of the markers of expats who survive long-term is their ability to cultivate gratitude in their lives, but gratitude requires humility. Just think: if others are no better than yourself, then any service they render to you is an opportunity to be grateful. If, though, you are proud, then you receive service from others as an expectation and not as a delight. The restaurant waiter should serve you well because you’re more important than them; locals should speak your language because you bring them more benefit than they bring you; employees should do what they’re told because you matter more than them; bosses should respect your talents because you have more ability than they do. Pride produces grumbling and complaining.
However, if you believe that you aren’t better than others, then you are able to receive those moments of service with gratitude. The waiter isn’t any more important than you, but is being patient to understand and serve you. You don’t matter more than locals, but they’re speaking in their second language in order to communicate with you. Your boss has more important things to do that serve you, but she does anyway. You did nothing to deserve a gorgeous sunset, yet it appeared anyway. Humility produces joy and gratitude.
Proud people believe they deserve to be treated well and honored, and grumble if others don’t meet their standard. After all, they believe they’re more important than those around them. Humility, however, enables you to receive any kindness from others as an undeserved gift. After all, you’re not more important than others, yet they are treating you with kindness. “Pride grumbles at everything, but humility can joyfully receive life as a gift.”3
Humility produces joy and gratitude, which, in turn, are crucial for an expat’s life. A joyless and complaining expat will not survive or thrive in the long term. A humble expat will be grateful and joyful, though, enabling them to live in a challenging environment for the long term.
How to grow in humility
Do you see how powerful humility is, how crucial it is for an expat’s life? Don’t you want to experience these wonderful benefits of humility? Don’t you want to become a person like this, where humility is not merely a “show” where you say certain things or put on a certain demeanor, but where humility truly flows out of who you are, out of your character? I know I do. I long to be this kind of person.
We must actively seek to cultivate humility in our lives.
Practices to cultivate humility
How do you grow in humility? At this point, I really have to encourage you to connect with others who are far more humble than I am, but I’ll share a few practices and resources that I’ve found helpful as I’ve grown.
1. Admit your pride
Like alcoholics anonymous where you must first admit you’re an alcoholic to get help, proud people must first admit their pride in order to begin growing. If you don’t think you’re proud, you cannot grow in humility. And, if you don’t think you’re proud, then let me give you a hint: you are.
2. Be with humble people
I mean “be with humble people” in two ways: First, be around people whose character exudes humility. Ask them questions, learn from them. They will probably insist that they aren’t humble and can’t teach you, not really. Perfect. It’s the people who don’t think they are humble who probably understand humility the best. People who insist that they are humble are rarely the ones that actually are.
Second, I mean being with people who are from what people would call “humble” origins or are of “humble” means. Go meet with the poor, the displaced, the marginalized, the ostracized, those on the fringes of society. As you do, watch your attitude and your heart: do you think you are better than them? Are you seeking to learn from them? Are you serving them for their good or to feel better about yourself?
3. Fast
This may sound quite odd, but hear me out: undertake an extended, water-only fast.4 You’ll quickly realize that your “good manners,” which you think make you “better” than others, isn’t because you are good, it’s just because your belly was full. You’re not actually better than others. You’ll quickly see that your strength, your intelligence, your abilities, your resilience, are all much weaker and poorer than you thought they were. Fasting, you’ll realize just how contingent and dependent of a being you are, conditions necessary for humility to grow.
4. Learn your host language
Don’t survive on English or live in an expat bubble. Put yourself in the humble, vulnerable position of needing to learn a language. You may feel humiliated, and that’s part of the point and goal. Allow that weakness to disrupt the pride in your heart and mind.
5. Check your judgments
Each judgment you make of your host culture comes from a position of pride that considers itself superior enough to judge others. You may, possibly, be right in your judgment—but let each reflexive judgment reveal the pride that led to the hasty judgment.
Instead, practice C-A-L-M. Only humble people will do this, but engaging in it will also force you to confront your pride and develop humility.
6. Invite correction
This one may sound scary, but it’s perhaps the most valuable practice you can have to grow in humility: ask others to correct you. Give permission to others to tell you when you’re wrong, inappropriate, awkward, or weird. You may have to ask repeatedly for people to actually believe you that you want to learn, and they may test you with something “small” to see your reaction before they really open up, but there’s power in seeing your weaknesses and having to listen to others tell them to you. Respond with humility, thank the person no matter how “wrong” they are, and, in humility, seek to listen and understand their opinion of you.
7. Practice gratitude
Humility produces gratitude, but I believe that it goes the other way as well: gratitude produces humility. When you recognize the immense blessings of your life, and especially how very few of them were “earned” by you, it’s hard to be proud. Cultivating genuine gratitude for others and for things in your life is a good way to cultivate humility.
Perhaps read The Art of Gratitude: An Expat’s Journey to Joy.
8. Teach me (and each other)
What has helped you grow in humility? Leave a comment below or let me know on social media. I’d love to add to this list with other proven techniques.
Books to grow in humility
Below are books that I’ve read, or plan to read, in my quest to grow in humility. You may find that some of them come from a perspective or worldview with which you disagree, and that’s fine. Perhaps you can be humble and learn from them anyway or perhaps you move on to a different resource that may be more helpful to you. I share these books here only because I have found them helpful; your results may vary.
- Humilitas: A Lost Key to Life, Love, and Leadership by John Dickson
- Humility: The Joy of Self-Forgetfulness by Gavin Ortlund
- Humility: True Greatness by CJ Mahaney
- Rediscovering Humility: Why the Way Up is Down by Christopher Hutchinson5
- From Pride to Humility by Stuart Scott
- Know of another book that’s been helpful to you? Please share in the comments below or contact me! I’m always seeking to grow.
Conclusion
Humility is not just a desirable trait but a vital one for expats navigating the complexities of a new culture. It enables a deeper understanding, fosters meaningful relationships, and facilitates personal growth in ways that arrogance and pride simply cannot. By embracing humility, expats can transcend the superficial interactions of daily life to truly connect with their host culture. This connection not only enriches their experience abroad but also transforms them into more adaptable, resilient, and compassionate individuals. It is through humility that expats can fully appreciate the nuances of their new environment, learning not just to survive, but to thrive.
Remember that the journey toward humility is ongoing and dynamic. It’s never over, requiring conscious effort, daily reflection, and an openness to change—one’s perspective and behaviors. For expats, this journey is punctuated by countless opportunities to learn from those around them, whether from a local friend explaining a cultural nuance or from a challenging day that tests their limits. By continuously seeking to cultivate humility, expats not only improve their own lives but also contribute positively to the communities they have come to call home. Ultimately, humility isn’t just about adjusting to a new culture—it’s about becoming a better version of oneself.
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Footnotes
- Gavin Ortlund, Humility: The Joy of Self-Forgetfulness, page 29. ↩︎
- One of my friends shared a story that helpfully illustrates this notion. When they moved to a culture that was very hot—somewhere in Africa, I forget where—they found that all the locals slept on their roof in the breeze. Their daughter simply refused to sleep outside, insisting that “You sleep in your bedroom, not outside!” A few hours later, the daughter grudgingly pulled her mattress outside, her clothes drenched in sweat. The locals really did know better how to deal with the heat, but her daughter initially was too proud to learn from them until a few hours later. But all of that stress and difficulty could have been avoided if she had been humble to learn from locals. Now take this concept and multiply it by the 10,000 differences between your passport culture and host culture. ↩︎
- Gavin Ortlund, Humility: The Joy of Self-Forgetfulness, page xx. Ortlund gives credit to Tim Keller for this idea. ↩︎
- A great book on this is Fast. Feast. Repeat. by Gin Stephens. Highly recommended. ↩︎
- This is the only book on the list that I haven’t yet read, but it looks fantastic and is well-reviewed. ↩︎
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