Being an expat is anything but easy. There’s the unending cross-cultural stress, challenges stemming from different government systems, challenges of navigating in a foreign language, subtle-to-severe racism, and the constant “how do I do this here?” question that never goes away. Perhaps an even deeper stressor is the reality of navigating these challenges away from the family and friends who would normally provide support. How do you keep on amidst that stress?
Part of the answer lies in regular rhythms of rest, which I’ve written about before. But sometimes, taking a break isn’t possible. The stress and difficulty are unending and you can’t remove yourself from it. What do you do then? This is the real, life-hits-the-road reality of being an expat. You often want to quit, to throw in the towel and return to your passport country where it’s “easy” (at least, where you think it will be easy). I don’t have statistics on how long expats typically live overseas, but I would guess the majority return to their passport country within 7 years of venturing abroad. One can’t underestimate the value and importance of perseverance for the life of an expat, yet few people actually teach you one of the foundational keys to your ability to endure. Today’s article is about this reality.
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Present Suffering and Future Pain
Perseverance is easy to value, so long as the challenges you face are small. When real difficulties, acute pain, and true suffering arises, it’s much harder. Many a bride and groom have promised to be faithful “for worse…for poorer…in sickness” but when those realities arise, the good intent when all was good quickly vanishes. The reality of the vow sets in, and the need to persevere. An expat’s life, while not based on a vow, is actually no different: there’s a honeymoon period, the reality check, and then the new normal that includes the pain you didn’t think you signed up for when you left your passport country. How do you persevere?
A key truth to remember when challenges arise is that future suffering hurts more than present pain. That may sound odd, so let me say it differently: your anticipation of difficulties that will come is more painful than the challenge you face if they do come.
Anticipation of future suffering is worse than that pain if it comes.
I was counseling a friend who was considering divorce and his words were telling: “I can’t take 20 more years of this.” The pain he experienced was real, but the greatest reason he was considering divorce was not the difficulty he had in the moment. It was the prospect of 20 more years of that difficulty which made him want divorce. He could take another day, another week, another month, maybe even another year, but the idea of enduring for 20 years was debilitating. He’s right; enduring 20 years is impossible. Thankfully, that’s not what you need to do, either in marriage or as an expat.
Persevering the Navy SEAL Way
I’ve been thinking about this “perseverance of the moment” ever since I read the incredible true story of Lone Survivor. Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell and his team faced hundreds of Taliban fighters in the mountains of Afghanistan and, though the rest of his team were killed, he survived. It’s an incredible story, a fantastic read, and I won’t spoil it further—you should just read it yourself or watch the movie starring Mark Wahlberg which is surprisingly accurate. Suffice it to say, the pain, challenges, and literal torture he endured are beyond what you can imagine. Yet he never gave up, and in the book he explains why. His story contains critical lessons for us expats to learn.
Luttrell’s fundamental explanation for how he endured was that his training prepared him for situations like that, but he wasn’t referring mostly to tactical training or shooting skills. Rather, what enabled him to prepare was the mental toughness he learned in SEAL training, specifically during what they call Hell Week. I can’t do justice to Luttrell’s description of what happens during Hell Week, so I won’t even try (you should seriously read the book), but suffice it to say that Hell Week is five and a half of sheer physical, mental, and emotional torture and exhaustion.
Students are only allowed 4 hours of sleep over the entire 132 hours while facing the greatest physical exertion that instructors can inflict. Students run and swim hundreds of miles, do thousands of pushups, flutter-kicks, and sit-ups, are forced to endure freezing surf and mud, and get covered in sand so thoroughly that their skin chafes raw and yet they have to keep getting sandy and salty while they swim, run, do endless “log PT” and boat races.
Instructors make it easy to quit. All you have to do is ring a bell three times and the torture stops. Everywhere they go, they bring the bell with them so that relief is always visible. Just ring the bell and you’ll get warmth, dry clothes, hot coffee, and pizza. The instructors even tempt students by enjoying all those comforts right in front of the students. Comfort is only a bell-ring away. It’s no surprise that only about 25% of students make it through Hell Week.
How to Survive: Perseverance of the Moment
But how do those 25% of students make it through? What do they do that the other 75% don’t? According to Luttrell, those who make it through aren’t necessarily the strongest or the most physically fit. The ones who endure are the ones who are able to ignore the prospect of future pain and focus on just the moment. Those who quit invariably said that they couldn’t endure another x days of Hell Week. Some students even quit the night before Hell Week starts, experiencing only the anticipation of the challenges it will hold.
Invariably, Luttrell writes, those who quit are those who are thinking of the future, who can’t imagine how they can make it through another four days of Hell Week. The prospect of future suffering overwhelms the students and they quit. Those who make it through are those who learn “perseverance of the moment.” They break the challenge of the week into chunks that they can endure.
At the start, they don’t want to make it through the week, they just want to persevere through the first day. Then the challenge is to persevere through the night. Then to the next meal. As the days grow longer and exhaustion overtakes, the perseverance of the moment becomes shorter and shorter. The next hour. The next event. The next mile marker. The next ten minutes. Then next step. By the end of the week, students can only persevere one more step at a time—but those who endure each step are those who endure the course.
That’s what Marcus Luttrell learned in his training. That’s what enabled him to survive his harrowing ordeal.
Our task is to persevere for another month, another week, another day, another hour, another moment.
Conclusion: Persevere in the Moment
Few (none?) of us will be Navy SEALs or have to endure Hell Week, but the lessons to us are clear. When we face challenges, whatever they are, our task is not to persevere x number of years. Our task is to persevere for another month, another week, another day, another hour, another moment. The prospect of future pain will make you quit, but the reality of present pain can be endured.
The prospect of future pain will make you quit, but the reality of present pain can be endured.
I love Bear Grylls’ survival shows. When he chips a hole in the ice of a lake and plunges in, he doesn’t try to endure three minutes of freezing temperatures, he tries to endure ten seconds. When those ten seconds are done, you focus on the next ten seconds. As Bear likes to say, you can endure anything for ten seconds. As Jesus said, “do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). Though a long-term perspective is important for planning, when you’re facing stress, danger, anxiety, or pain, shorten your perspective so you can persevere.
When you’re overwhelmed with expat life, marriage, business, whatever—when you’re overwhelmed, persevere in the moment. The next hour, the next minute, the next ten seconds. You can’t endure the prospect of all future pain or happenings, but you can endure anything for ten seconds.
What do you need to endure today? Persevere in the moment and you’ll find you persevere to the end.
What do you have to persevere through today? I’d love to know and see if I can help! Let me know in the comments, on social media, or reach out via email.
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