A few weeks ago, two events happened nearly simultaneously, revealing the need for today’s article. The first was that my sweet grandmother suffered a stroke and was hospitalized in the ICU. (She’s stable now and recovering well—thanks for asking!) The second was that the uncle of an expat acquaintance of mine passed away. In my case, I was in contact with my family back in my passport country, and even though we thought for several days that this might be it for my grandmother, my wife and I didn’t have to decide whether to return or not. In the case of my friend, though, deciding whether to return home for the funeral posed an immense difficulty. He and his wife didn’t agree, and with emotions already high, the disagreement turned into a troubling conflict.
That’s not surprising at all. When a crisis hits, emotions run high, differing values come to a head, and the decision to stay or go comes with substantial cost. The decision to be with family during times of joy or pain is difficult, but there is an easier way to make it. Today I’ll guide you on how to make these decisions and provide a free resource for your planning.
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Why going or staying is so difficult
The sad reality of an expat’s life is that the decision to go overseas carries with it immense joys and privileges, but also clear costs, including the inability to easily “be there” for family and friends in times of joy or in times of pain. I’ve missed the weddings of all of my best friends and two of my siblings, the births of all my nephews and nieces, the funeral of my grandfather, and more. Unfortunately, this is “the norm” for expats. Inherent in being an expat is distance from family and friends and so, as much as you’d like, you just can’t be there for everything you’d like. It’s inevitable that you must choose to attend certain events while missing others.
Yet those decisions are breathtakingly difficult and painful, precisely because moments of the greatest joy or pain are when the limitations of Zoom tear your heart, words are just not enough, and your presence matters immensely for both you and your loved ones. Celebrations and grief require your presence, not just an un-huggable video screen with a shaky internet connection.
And yet, the last time I took my family to my passport country, roundtrip travel cost over $12,000 and took over 100 hours (I still can’t believe either of those numbers). Yours may not be that extreme (or it may be worse!), but the sad reality is that, as much as we’d like, we just can’t travel back for every moment of joy or grief.
What should you do instead?
A path forward
An older, wiser expat gave me this advice that I’ve taken to heart—and it was this advice which allowed my family, my wife, and I to be ok even as we thought my grandmother was passing away. That is:
Decide in advance who will return for whom and for what events.
When a crisis unfolds, emotions flare up. If you try to make a decision in the moment, with emotions running high among you and your family, it’s easy to make a wrong decision. If you decide to attend an event, especially if it was a sudden crisis, you may not have had the time or emotional distance to consider how it will affect your finances and other plans. On the other hand, deciding not to attend an event is already heart-wrenching. Doing it amidst the emotions of the moment makes the decision even harder.
Decide in advance who will return for whom and for what events
If, in the moment, your loved ones hear for the first time that you won’t be able to attend a time of joy or grief, you may deeply hurt your relationship with them. We all know people where relationships have been broken because someone “wasn’t there” for them in a time of grief or a time of celebration. Deciding not to attend something can create this pain or harm a relationship—and avoiding that difficulty may cause you to feel pressure to attend an event that you probably shouldn’t.
But deciding in advance what you will do prevents both of those problems. Without the emotion of the moment, you and your spouse or children (if you have them) can sit down and decide who will return, for whom, and for what events.
It allows you to make that considered decision when you’re rational, not pressed for time, and able to consider the long-term implications of that decision. Deciding in advance also allows you to make plans—i.e. saving up an emergency travel fund—that will enable you to travel back for the things that really matter to you.
Without the emotion of the moment, decide what to do.
Deciding in advance also means that you can communicate your plan to others who might be hurt by a decision not to return. My family knows that I won’t be able to attend the funerals of my grandparents; rather than finding that out when a loved one passes away and suffering that hurt on top of the pain they’re already experiencing, they can hear this in advance and we can process it and even grieve it together. Likewise, if my friends know that I won’t be there for a wedding, a christening, a baptism, a bar mitzvah, a miscarriage, etc., then it prevents much of the hurt of my absence at those times. Clearly setting and communicating expectations will prevent a world of hurt.
What to decide in advance
There’s three things you need to decide in advance and communicate to others:
- For whom will you go to your passport country?
- For what event(s) will you go to your passport country?
- Who will go to your passport country?
Each one is vital to consider. Your whole family may go home if your mother is in the ICU, just your wife will go home for her best friend’s wedding, or no one go home for your cousin’s bar mitzvah. Think these things through carefully and according to your values, commitments, financial ability, legal responsibilities, and relationships. The key thing is to come to a decision agreed upon by involved parties, whether that’s just you, you and your spouse, you and your spouse and children, or you and other members of your family.
For whom
Start here and consider for which of these people you would consider returning to your passport country. I’ve tried to be exhaustive, but I’m sure there’s other key relationships I’ve missed (please let me know in the comments so I can update this!):
- Immediate family: Parents, parents-in-law, siblings, children, children-in-law; step-parents, step-siblings, step-children
- Extended family: Grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces
- Legal relationships: People for whom you hold a power of attorney, guardianship, etc.
- Key relationships: Friends, mentors, business partners, investors, customers, employees, sponsors, etc.
- Other: Godparents, godchildren, etc.
A quick comment here: I encourage you to think in terms of names, not in terms of relational categories. It’s more helpful to say you’ll go back for your cousin “Jesse” than to say you’ll go back for “cousins.” Each person and each relationship is unique, so consider each one individually, not as a group. Consider, however, whether this could create accusations of unfairness if you go back for some and not others who have the same relationship with you. However, some inequality will be an unfortunate necessity so long as your finances and time are limited.
For what
Knowing for whom you’ll return to your passport country isn’t enough, as different events may have different importance. I.e. you may visit your home country for your mother’s funeral, but not for her retirement party.
- Celebrations: Births, christenings, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, first communions, graduation parties, graduation ceremonies, baptisms, retirement parties, weddings, etc.
- Griefs: divorces, miscarriages, non-life-threatening but major health issues (e.g. surgeries, hospitalizations, rehabilitations), life-threatening health issues (e.g. major surgeries, strokes, comas, ICU hospitalization, etc.), “death bed” visits, funeral visitations, funeral ceremonies, internments, scatterings of ashes, etc.
- Holidays, festivals, or traditions: There may be specific traditions of your family/religion where your presence is desirable.
Again, I’ve tried to be comprehensive here, but if there’s another key life event, please let me know in the comments so I can add it in.
Who goes
Sometimes your presence is needed, sometimes your spouse’s, sometimes both of yours, and sometimes the whole family’s. Consider what is feasible (financially, practically), whose presence would be most meaningful to others, and who would benefit most from going.
Communicate it
Once you decide for whom, for what, and who goes, ensure you communicate with the key individuals involved. Over-communicate to establish clear expectations; it’s better than under-communicating and unintentionally fail to meet someone’s expectations.
Also, if you and your family come to agreement, but have a history of people forgetting or being contentious, then it’s not crazy to have people sign the agreement to indicate they understand it. While it may be entirely unnecessary, having it as a record could prove helpful, depending on the family.
Get a free resource!
Managing those three aspects—whom, what, and who goes—can quickly become complicated, so I’ve created a resource to help you keep track. This will make it easier to decide what to do, and it serves as a handy record of the decision you’ve made. You can get this resource 100% free, just by subscribing to The Prepared Expat’s email newsletter!
Make appropriate plans
Once you’ve decided for whom, for what, and who will go, it’s time to make plans to ensure that it can happen. The last thing you want to do is to have decided that you’ll return to your home if x happens, only to find that you’ll be unable to do so if x actually occurs. Here’s a couple things to consider and make plans for:
Finances
If you’re planning on returning to your passport country for any unpredictable event (e.g. a scheduled major surgery is predictable, a fall leading to a coma is not), then you need to set aside ample funds to buy a last-minute plane ticket. Sometimes airlines will discount tickets for true emergencies, but the reality is that a last-minute international plane ticket won’t be cheap.
Conduct a test: search for a flight that leaves tomorrow to your destination, then make a plan so you can afford it. You very well may need to save up more money in an emergency fund than a non-expat would need to.
Work leave
You may find that your job overseas does not have the same leave exemptions as a job would in your home country. Don’t assume that your employer overseas would grant you time off just because it’s common in your home country for emergencies like a grandparent’s funeral. Make sure you understand in advance what your employer’s expectations and allowances are for you.
Travel authorizations
If your plan involves one parent, but not both parents, traveling with a child, then you should make a travel authorization letter that gives permission to the parent to travel internationally with the child(ren). Some countries require this, others don’t—but you don’t want to face an urgent matter and have to arrange travel authorizations at the last minute or, worse, find out mid-trip that the country through which you’re routed will required one. Prepare it in advance, get it notarized, and possibly apostilled as well, just in case.
Medical releases
If your plan is for a child to stay behind while both parents travel or for a child to travel to your passport country alone, then you also need to provide a medical authorization so that whoever is in charge of the child can get medical treatment if necessary. Again, some countries require this and others don’t, but you don’t want to have to research that in an emergency. Better to have it prepped in advance.
Revisit at major life changes
While you certainly should make these decisions in advance, the decisions are worth revisiting when major life events happen which could affect your decision. For example, if you just had a baby, your ability to travel will change. If one parent passes away, maybe your need to travel back for a major health issue increases. If you have a new nephew or niece, you need to consider whether they’re a “for whom” you go back. If you recently had a falling out with a sibling, it may be more important than before to attend their wedding. If you get a massive raise, maybe you’ll travel back more frequently!
Adjust plans as your life changes.
Conclusion
Thinking back to the health scare with my grandma, there were many factors to be concerned about—whether she’d recover, how my parents were handling it, how my siblings were doing, how my kids were doing, etc.—but one thing that didn’t concern me was having to decide whether I was going to return to visit her or not. That decision was made years ago—and re-made last year when we visited her. Knowing that the decision was made, and being confident we made the right call for the right reasons, allowed us to approach the difficult time without the added angst of deciding on last-minute travel plans.
Give yourself peace of mind by making these decisions in advance, and communicating them to the key people who need to know.
I’d love to know in the comments—who will you go back for, for what, and who will go (and why)? Let’s help each other out by sharing the decisions we’ve made.
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